sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
