a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
