I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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