I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
