sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
