the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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