Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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