Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize