Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
handjob tips. give me some.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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