I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
