lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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