I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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