I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
