i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
