So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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