Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
