that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
