I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
