my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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