Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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