I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize