i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
