So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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