I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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