I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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