I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
