my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
