I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
