Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize