Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
