i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
