you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
