This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
