So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
