I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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