Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i now understand why vodka
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
