he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
