fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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