I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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