Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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