You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
