I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
