I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
