We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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