the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
