I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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