the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
