my phone needs a breathalizer
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
