Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
