Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
