Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
