when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
