He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize