I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize