ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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