I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud š³
I just made the most āsingle lifeā Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Your penis caused this!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
