You smell like stripper and shame
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
