Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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