everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize