She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize