I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
