How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I am midnight drunk by noon
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
