i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
