there's paper in my vomit.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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