Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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