got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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