Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
