that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
